| ...surprise surprise... |
[Apr. 29th, 2009|10:27 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  figures | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Lykke Li - Complaint Department | ] |
Needless to say, I caved...heh. Some things will just never change. I was looking online though, and I found this interesting website. There were a bunch of useful tips on it, including a list of important rules to follow. There were 14 of them, but these resonated strongest with me:
5. Maintain a strong sense of self and know who you are. As far as I'm concerned, we come to this planet to learn individuality and free will. We do, indeed, create our own realities. Because our major lesson in life is selfhood, relationships that don't honor this face do not last. We cannot complete ourselves in another; it simply isn't allowed. It is also important to realize that human beings have very addictive personalities. While some folks may think that they want to have happy lives and good relationships, they are actually much too addicted to the drama of being able to tell sad stories.
6. Know and nourish your own boundaries. Fairy tales and soar opera romances would have us believe that the purpose of a healthy match is to immerse ourselves in one another. Nothing could be further from the truth. Once we lose our boundaries in a relationship, it is only a matter of time before it dies. Shakespeare spoke of this in Romeo and Juliet. Again, because this, too, is a violation of individuality, it simply isn't allowed to continue.
12. Cultivate activities done together and separately. Relationships need common ground, but they also need spaces. Keeping some of your own interests and friends gives you something to talk about when you get back together.
I know that's only 3 out of the 14, but they hit home. Hardcore. For me anyway. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 20th, 2009|12:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Common - Drivin' Me Wild | ] |
I guess Common hit the nail right on the head when he said "I guess we all ben through it where we tried too much...losing yourself and your mind and stuff."
I know when you're in a relationship, you stop being a "me" and you become a "we", but is that truly fair to parties involved? It's important to consider your partners thoughts and feelings, but when are you supposed to take into account your own? Is your identity supposed to be put on hold for the sake of your relationship? That doesn't sound like a winning combination to me. And if it is the way to win the relationship race, then I think I'm going to be the last person to cross the finish line. |
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| Reality Strikes Back |
[Dec. 24th, 2008|10:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | somber | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Missy Higgins - Where I Stood | ] |
I can't believe it's really Christmas Eve. Didn't we just celebrate the end of the year holidays like...last week? Well, I feel like we did.
It's been an interesting past few months. I guess my biggest accomplishment was graduating from college. That'll definitely be a highlight in the time-line of my life. I was cold as hell that day, but I wouldn't change a thing. Guess this means I need to find a life-job now. Great. Sounds like fun.
So I'm back home now, indefinitely. I just hope and pray that I don't become one of those people that live with their mother for the rest of their life because believe me, neither my mother nor I would like that. Ideally, I'd like to live in the city. I know it's crazy expensive but it's what I want and I'll find way to make it happen.
When did things become so...so real? |
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| Nice...it's been almost a year. |
[Aug. 26th, 2008|07:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  indifferent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Rihanna - Disturbia | ] |
They say time flies when you're having fun...
...no wonder my clocks haven't gotten wings yet.
Summer's over. It's back to Hartford at the end of the week. Yay...right? |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 5th, 2007|11:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Deniece Williams - Free | ] |
I can't even wrap my mind around these situations we always seem to find ourselves in. Why do they continually happen? Is there some higher meaning to all of this? Because if there is, it really needs to present itself. Fast.
To be perfectly honest, it was a nice chat. It gave us a chance to catch up on things, seeing as we had not spoken for quite some time. It also allowed me to relax because our interaction let me know that you'd make it home alive. That was my number one concern, after all.
A lot of the time I wonder if we're the right people for each other. I mean, if you think about it, it's almost like we want the complete opposite things out of this. Well, it seems that way from my end anyway. You want someone who dies to be with you the second you're not with them. I want someone who is ok flying solo for a little while.
I felt like I was doing the right thing. Who would knowingly let a friend drive anywhere in that condition? Even thought I was afraid I'd be in trouble for doing it, I couldn't just brush it off. Even at this very moment I don't regret my decision.
You want someone who feels the need to be intimate every time you're with them. I want someone I can relax and just watch TV with. You need to hear, on a regular basis, what you mean to the other person. I'm comfortable with a hug or kiss every now and then.
But I do wish that what happened didn't happen. Things seemed to be going so well and I was really happy about it. It was like reconnecting with an old friend. Well, that's actually kinda what it was. Kinda. I was even running scenes through my head of you meeting him and the three of us going to the commons or something cheesy like that. I guess that's not gunna be happening any time soon now.
Don't think for a second that these are bad traits though. Trust me, they're not. They're what make you you. I just feel that because I don't share those same feelings that I'm always gunna be a let down to you. Like every time I build you up, I find some way to wreck it all. It's taken a toll on me, and I know it's taken an even bigger one on you.
Sure, we could blame it on the alcohol. After all, I highly doubt that you would have taken those same actions had you not been intoxicated. But that's not what scares me the most. What really got to me was how comfortable I was during the conversation. In theory, I would have expected myself to act all awkward, but I didn't. It was almost like we'd never even stopped talking.
If it's crossed my mind, then I know it's crossed yours. "Is there someone out there that's better for you than I am?" There. I said it. There have been so many times where I was almost perfect, but everybody knows almost doesn't count. You deserve someone who shares the same excitement for you as you do for them. Someone who can't wait for their classes to be over so they can be with you again. Someone who is willing to put your relationship first, always, instead of them self.
But now I don't know what to do about it. I told him about it. He wasn't mad. Or at least he said he wasn't. I think I know better though. I know what he would like to see happen, but I don't know that I want that to happen. I'd like to still call you a friend and be able to say hey when I see you or send you a friendly IM once in a while. After last night though, I don't see how that can happen without him thinking I'm trying to rekindle something from the past. And quite frankly, I don't see how I can blame him.
I guess what it comes down to is I have no idea what my next move should be. I was taught to always live life happy, but that's hard to do when the majority of the moves you make end up crushing someones feelings. Especially someone you love. It's not easy getting from day to day, especially being followed by a huge sign that says "should I stay or should I go?"
Ugh. If only things had remained kosher. If only the entire visit had stayed platonic. Well, I guess there's no room for 'if onlys' now, is there... |
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| yea...right... |
[Aug. 6th, 2007|10:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  ...f**k a life... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pink - Don't Let Me Get Me | ] |
if you're an ass hole of a boyfriend, clap you hands
::claps hands:: |
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| dumped... |
[May. 13th, 2007|12:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | dumped | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Spice Girls - Goodbye | ] |
It really sucks feeling like I can never win.
I tell him I miss him...but I don't miss him enough.
I say how I feel...but it's only because he said it first.
I hug and kiss him...but only after he hugs and kisses me.
I call him...but only after he leaves me a voice mail.
Everything I do sums up to pretty much nothing. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 7th, 2007|08:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blank | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Robin Thicke - Lost Without You | ] |
...one by one, they're all leaving...
well, I guess it was good while it lasted. |
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| heh...check this out... |
[May. 2nd, 2007|06:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pink - Who Knew | ] |
| Your Birthdate: August 4 | 
You have an extraordinary character - moral, responsible, and disciplined.
Your sincerity and honesty shine through in almost every situation.
Driven and focused, you rarely let your emotions get the better of you.
You're level headed and rational. People count on you to look at things objectively.
Your strength: Your unwavering loyalty and ethics
Your weakness: Your rock solid stubbornness
Your power color: Navy blue
Your power symbol: Shield
Your power month: April |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 27th, 2007|12:27 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | numb | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Eagles - Hotel California | ] |
I've come to the decision that I'm in an abusive relationship. Ive also decided that I'm the abuser. It's probably because I'm incapable of feeling any human emotion, other than anger, frustration, or just being pissed the hell off. Majority of the time, I just don't feel anything at all. I'm numb. Just an empty shell walking around...pitiful.
Stubborn. That's what I am. Too damn stubborn. And too damn independent too. Well, not for my own taste, but for others. I should be able to accept help when people are offering it to me, and I think that some of the time I'm able to. Its just seems that lately its gotten to a point where I didn't feel like I was being helped...and more like I was being taken care of. Like I couldn't do it on my own, so someone had to come in and do it for me. I'm 20 years old, and yet, most of the time I feel like a child. I think that most of you would agree with me that no one at my age likes feeling like a child.
I gotta learn to just say what's on my mind without always worrying about the after affects. People say stuff to me all the time and after hearing it, I wonder if they even thought about what they were saying before they said it. It's like they don't even care they their words can be the slightest bit hurtful. I, on the other hand, am the polar opposite of that person. I'm so afraid that I'm gunna make someone upset, or even worse, cry, by just saying what I feel. There have been times though where I have been honest with others and myself, but those seem to kinda fall way behind when you look at the bigger picture.
Is it just me or are all my entries about ways that I suck...or could better myself...or suck and how I can better myself all rolled up into one? Yea...that's what I thought. Man, what do you think that means? I'll tell you what it means. It means I'm all kinds of messed up. I know it. And other people know it too. It's easier to understand your flaws when it's you that notices them. If anyone else does, you get all defensive, or in my case, completely shut down and cut yourself off from the world. I know that's not the healthiest way to deal with my issues, but it's what works for me. I wish that was ok... Besides, it's gotta count for something that I'm able to write about whats going on inside my head, right? I mean, seeing as I have so much trouble saying it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 13th, 2007|03:29 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | bored | ] |
...I'm a failure at life and nothing I ever do will be good enough... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 29th, 2007|10:44 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | ...do you really have to ask? | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Real Folk Blues | ] |
This really sucks. And things were going so well too. I swear, if I didn't know any better, I'd think the "powers that be" were out to get us. That could be a stretch though. I'm sure they have nothing to do with it, and it's all out faults...
Requests have been made and I really do believe that I've tried to meet them, but there are times when I feel like my attempts aren't good enough. Like no matter how hard I try, it'll never be good enough. But then there are those times where I feel like I don't even have to try because things are great. I guess my frustration comes from not knowing how the situation moves from one extreme to the other.
I have a lot to do with it, I know. My mood really isn't ever consistent for a large amount of time. I guess I kinda live my life in stages. Happy stages. Depressed stages. Confused stages. And a whole bunch of other ones. I can see how being in a relationship with me would make someone loose their mind. You can never tell what mood I'll be in when the sun rises. And usually, when the sun does rise, I feel better. But lately, that hasn't been the case.
It's these damn grudges. I'm too good at holding them. I wish I could just let things go, but I can't. It seems like everyone else around me is able to, but I'm not. And it's already cost me one friendship, which I'm still too stubborn to try and fix. There. That's it. The grudge that I was talking about. Even when I'm trying to clear my head and work through things, it shows its face.
...i hate it...
I guess when you get right down to it, all the problems I have in my life are my fault. I don't speak up for myself at all. Instead, I sit and take it. And get depressed. Or sad. Then shut down to the world completely. I know people don't like it when I do that. I guess it's not exactly the healthiest way of dealing with my issues either. But it's how I am. And eventually, I will speak up and say whats on my mind, but it takes a while. When somethings bothering me, I just need to remove myself from the situation, or person, that's causing it.
There's a lot of other stuff that should go along with this entry, but I suddenly don't feel like recalling it anymore... |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 16th, 2007|10:12 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Corrine Bailey Rae - Like A Star | ] |
I guess it takes actually being in a relationship for you to realize how incredibly hard they are to maintain. Well, maybe not every relationship, but I'm sure a good percentage of them. I swear, I think I've almost lost mine about three times in the past month. That can't be good...
I don't know what it is about me. I mean, I know I'm stubborn, and hard-headed, I don't talk about my emotions or things that are bothering me, I close myself off to the world when I'm upset, and my sex drive is close to...well, actually, it's probably negative. Hm. I guess when looking from those angles, I seem like a pretty good catch...NOT. I'm all kinds of screwed up, I know it, but what am I supposed to do about it? How do I make myself better? This constant bickering over the smallest issues is really starting to take its toll on me, and him. And the last thing I want to do is lose him...
On the flip side, maybe it's not me at all. There are outside forces that have come in to play lately. Maybe they have something to do with the way things have been. They open my eyes to things that I try and overlook on the everyday, but seeing that I allow myself to overlook them, are they really bothering me that much? Could it be possible for us to lead the rest of our lives in happiness if I could just see what I wanted to see...?
Wait, wait. That does not sound productive. No one can live contently if they're that naive. And I don't think that's fair to me or him. We should be allowed to be upfront about things that are on our minds. How else are we supposed to grow as a couple, together?
Eh...I think I've got some thoughts I need to sift through. Hopefully this will all resolve itself and we'll be able to move past this "rough stage" and put things back to the way they used to be. |
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| learing to roll with the punches |
[Jan. 23rd, 2007|06:56 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | down | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Vanessa Hudgens - Baby Come Back To Me | ] |
It sucks when someone you care so much about feels like you don't show that you do. And it sucks even more when they're actually right...
I wondered what kind of mistake God made when you agreed to this, but now I know. He didn't make one. He just happened to blink right when I "asked you out." Had he been fully aware of what was going on, you'd be with someone who deserves you. But, instead, you got stuck with me.
I don;t know whats wrong with me and that's scary because how am I supposed to fix myself...? |
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| Happy New Year...? |
[Jan. 14th, 2007|08:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | alive...if thats a mood | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fergie - Fergalicious | ] |
So, its 2007. Already. You know what that means!!
...last year was 2006 and next year will be 2008. Anyway...
I'm sitting in Aaron's kitchen and he's finishing up dinner. We're having meatballs and tortellini with garlic bread. His mother started cooking this morning. She was up at like 10AM making food. I've spent a lot of time here during the past few weeks and I gotta say, I loved it. Aaron's family is extremely entertaining and I really like being here. I just hope that my own family doesn't start feeling like I traded them in for a new one. LOL!
I feel like there's so much more I need to write here. It's been a LONG while since I last updated, and a lot has happened. Other than the obvious, which I can't say right now because...well, I just cant, I did pretty well this past semester. My lowest grade was a B-. At least so far anyway. I'm still waiting for one of my grades to be posted.
Let's see...what else...? I got a Playstation 3 for Christmas!! HOTNESS!! I only have one game for it tho. Ridge Racer 7. It's pretty good. I like it. Aaron doesn't...
I don't know what to say about him. He's kinda perfect. I know it sounds a little far-fetched, but he is. And until Friday, I don't think I really appreciated him as much as I should have. It's been 2 months and 1 day, and I've really cared about him since the beginning. I even told him that I loved him a little less than 2 weeks into the relationship. But after Friday night, the feelings that I have for him now are so much stronger than the ones I had before. I don't really know how to explain it, but it's like they intensified overnight. Well, they kinda did. And then on Saturday, our two month anniversary, things went...sour, I guess, is a polite way of putting it. It was all my fault. I was in a crappy mood from the night before, and I had done something that was completely 100% idiotic. Luckily, I have Aaron as a boyfriend. He has this way of making me feel better, even if I'm wrong. I feel like he accepts me as I am, even tho we have our moments, but that means a lot to me.
I just wish I had more with him. Like more of a history. I've only known him fora few months now, and there are so many things that I still have yet to learn. We watched a movie that he made with one of his friends a little while ago. It was pretty funny, but it kinda made me sad at the same time. The tap was lost, and had been for the longest time, so him finding it made him that much happier. The the way his face lit up while we watched it was enough to make me almost cry. It wasn't like I was mad or anything. I just get a little down sometimes because I wish I'd met him sooner. He has 18 years of history behind him, and I'm not a part of it at all. But so many other people are. And I know we're making our own history together now, but it would have been nice to be a part of the making of such a beautiful person.
Ok, ok. I don't usually get like this - all mushy and stuff. We're gunna go eat dinner now. It's finally ready and I'm starving! Hehe. Till next time, folks.
^.~ |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 3rd, 2006|04:01 am] |
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So, tonight was an...interesting night, for lack of a better word. Everyones drunk and falling all over themselves in my apartment, and Im sitting here updating my live journal. Some life... |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 19th, 2006|11:10 am] |
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It's funny how you can feel like you don't belong anywhere, while others feel like they belong everywhere... |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 22nd, 2006|09:59 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | ... | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Dandy Warhols - Sleep | ] |
Rejection sucks.
Big time.
...I just wanna cuddle, but it seems I'll never get the chance... |
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| Indecisive |
[Sep. 14th, 2006|08:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | present | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Annie Lennox - Into The West | ] |
I want to know what I really want. That's probably the most confusing thing you've ever read, I know, but right now it seems to be the story of my life. There's something that's within my grasp, and it kind of has been for a long time now, but I've been too afraid to reach out and take hold of it. Fear...it's such a stupid concept, but it's so powerful. I'm afraid of what I don't know. I guess on the one hand that's understandable, but on the other it makes me look like a coward. I wish I was the type of person that could fearlessly take risks, but I'm not. I always hold myself back. Rejection terrifies me.
Anyway...back to my indecisiveness...which is what this entry is really about. Like I said before, there's this thing I could have, but I'm too much of a punk to make it happen. I don't know if that's such a bad thing tho, because part of me feels like it maybe shouldn't happen. I mean, if it did, I don't know how I'd feel about it. It would be kind of weird, I'll admit it, but for whatever reason, the thought of it actually happening has been floating around my mind recently. Maybe it was the events of this past weekend that brought these thoughts to the surface. Actually, I know it was this past weekend that brought these thoughts to the surface. And the fact that the thoughts were there to begin with scares me. I mean, if I think and feel this way about the situation, then there must be something more to it. There has to be. But what does that mean? Should I just grab hold and see where things go? I mean, it is right in front of me. Or should I just let things stay the way they are, because if they changed afterwords, it most likely wouldn't be for the better. Ugh...my life hurts. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 10th, 2006|09:48 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  awake | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jordan Pruitt - Outside Looking In | ] |
The Weirdo
You scored 45 Pride, 40 Natural, and 30 Denial!
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How can you be so full of pride and denial at the same time? DURR! You are The Weirdo, and you're PROUD of it--or, wait. Are you? You have two personality extremes--similar to a Libertarian's political stance. At times, you can be a queen and at others, a jock. People are often confused by you, but that's what attracts the majority of your clique to you. You are rarely boring, and always sporadic in your actions. Perhaps being gay is just a fad for you. If it is, you are SUCH a weirdo!
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My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: | You scored higher than 99% on Pride | | You scored higher than 99% on Natural | | You scored higher than 99% on Denial |
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Ha. That's funny. But the sad part is, it's kinda true... |
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