Current mood:	numb
Current music:	Eagles - Hotel California

I've come to the decision that I'm in an abusive relationship. Ive also decided that I'm the abuser. It's probably because I'm incapable of feeling any human emotion, other than anger, frustration, or just being pissed the hell off. Majority of the time, I just don't feel anything at all. I'm numb. Just an empty shell walking around...pitiful.

Stubborn. That's what I am. Too damn stubborn. And too damn independent too. Well, not for my own taste, but for others. I should be able to accept help when people are offering it to me, and I think that some of the time I'm able to. Its just seems that lately its gotten to a point where I didn't feel like I was being helped...and more like I was being taken care of. Like I couldn't do it on my own, so someone had to come in and do it for me. I'm 20 years old, and yet, most of the time I feel like a child. I think that most of you would agree with me that no one at my age likes feeling like a child.

I gotta learn to just say what's on my mind without always worrying about the after affects. People say stuff to me all the time and after hearing it, I wonder if they even thought about what they were saying before they said it. It's like they don't even care they their words can be the slightest bit hurtful. I, on the other hand, am the polar opposite of that person. I'm so afraid that I'm gunna make someone upset, or even worse, cry, by just saying what I feel. There have been times though where I have been honest with others and myself, but those seem to kinda fall way behind when you look at the bigger picture.

Is it just me or are all my entries about ways that I suck...or could better myself...or suck and how I can better myself all rolled up into one? Yea...that's what I thought. Man, what do you think that means? I'll tell you what it means. It means I'm all kinds of messed up. I know it. And other people know it too. It's easier to understand your flaws when it's you that notices them. If anyone else does, you get all defensive, or in my case, completely shut down and cut yourself off from the world. I know that's not the healthiest way to deal with my issues, but it's what works for me. I wish that was ok... Besides, it's gotta count for something that I'm able to write about whats going on inside my head, right? I mean, seeing as I have so much trouble saying it.